


Mac Meets a Vampire

by Kirre (catseronay)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, First Meetings, M/M, Mac and Charlie are co-owners of Paddy's, Mac doesn't know he's gay, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Murder, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Vampire!Dee, Vampire!Dennis, Vampire!Frank, but there's some kinda dark stuffs going on so, if i forgot anything that i should tag please tell me, the reynolds family is a family of vampires, this au is supposed to be silly, yeah its a vampire au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23880502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catseronay/pseuds/Kirre
Summary: a silly vampire macdennis au of It's Always Sunnyif you're expecting sexy vampire action look elsewhere. this is just gonna be full of wacky hijinks common to the cast of It's Always Sunny but the Reynolds family is a family of vampires and Mac and Charlie have never met them before...okay and there's some plot but I swear I'm not talking this au that seriously
Relationships: Mac McDonald/Dennis Reynolds
Comments: 9
Kudos: 14





	1. The Duo Does Singles Night

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first fic I've written in a long time so allow me to apologize ahead of time. I was just having a lot of fun writing this and I wanted to see if anyone else would enjoy it or if this is another thing i'll write for pure self-indulgence and never show to anyone else. anywho, thanks for checking out my silly fanfic!

“Mac, am I a genius or what?” Charlie waltzed up to the bar as Mac grabbed another two beers from the fridge. “Come on, admit it, I’m a genius and Singles Night was a genius idea.” 

Mac handed the two drinks to a couple of flirty customers who barely noticed he was there, too caught up in their steamy, drunken conversation with each other. “Yeah, yeah,” Mac wiped the sweat from his forehead, “You’re a genius. You deserve the compliment, bro, Paddy’s Pub has seriously never been so crowded. Who knew love could draw such a wild crowd?”

“Me. I did.” Charlie pointed at himself with two thumbs, a wide grin spread on his face. It wasn’t often that Charlie came up with an idea that actually worked, so Mac let his business partner enjoy the rare occurrence and boost his own ego. Instead of ragging on his buddy, he looked up over the sea of loud, drinking patrons. People from all over Philadelphia gathered for one thing and one thing alone: the chance to get laid. Because, no one actually expected to find true love in a bar, right? Especially not the shit stain that was Paddy’s Pub. This commonly empty pub was for once in its sad, desperate life absolutely animated and bringing in a good amount of money. Mac couldn’t have been more overjoyed. He told himself that, at least. To tell the truth, and this was a heavily buried underground truth, Mac felt a minor yet loud wave of nausea sweep over him as he thought about the idea of a successful bar for the first time. It didn’t help that he was surrounded by tons of paired up strangers and felt dreadfully alone.

Mac shook himself from his thoughts and quickly came up with something to say. “I really can’t believe we hadn’t thought of this before. It’s stupid simple, dude.”

“ _ Stupid  _ simple!” Charlie immediately followed.

Mac coughed out a little chuckle. “Not to mention how many lonely babes this has brought in. I mean, you’ve scoped the field, how’s it looking out there, dude?”

“Oh,  _ so  _ many lonely babes out there. So many.” Charlie nodded.

“I almost wish I could check it out for myself,” Mac pouted. “I couldn’t leave this bar for a second, dude.”

“Hey, man, I could always take over for a bit if you wanna eye some ladies,” Charlie was quick to suggest, and Mac would’ve jumped at the offer had he not known Charlie as well as he did. It was  _ never  _ a good idea to let Charlie run the bar unattended. It was never a good idea to leave Charlie unattended in general. It wasn’t like Mac had never tried before. His memory flashed to many instances where Charlie had been left to his own devices for only seconds, where Mac had come back to broken glasses, missing stools, chickens, or lots of inhaled glue, among other possibilities. Charlie was truly chaos incarnate.

Mac let out a loud sigh. “Alright, but only because I really gotta take a piss.”

“No problem, man, I got this,” Charlie reassured. “Go take your piss.”

“Just be careful, yeah?” Mac switched places with Charlie, watching him carefully. “I’ll be back in a minute. Do  _ not  _ touch the glue.”

“That was only one time, dude!” It was not only one time.

Mac kept his eyes on Charlie until the crowd hid him from sight. Drowning in a sea of overwhelming energy, he made a beeline for the bathroom, ignoring any conversation tidbits that he could pick up on or any attempts to get his attention for another drink to submerge them further into drunken submissiveness, ready to be pulled by the waves of the ocean with no struggle. Mac did take the chance as he pushed through to peek at the women a bit, but he didn’t find himself all too interested. He tried to be, but he found he wasn’t all that into the idea of scoring with a girl tonight. Maybe it was the nausea restraining him. Maybe he just needed a drink. He found that sometimes he just needed a drink, or multiple, or many, to get himself in the mood, which was totally normal.

Mac finished his business, washing his hands with cold water. He eyed himself in the mirror, running a hand through slicked back hair with a sigh. Enough time had passed for Charlie to stir up some chaos, enough chaos to drive everyone out of the bar. Mac wondered if he’d even be upset. He came to the same conclusion he often did when he felt stressed out about the bar: two people really weren’t enough to run a bar.

He spaced out a bit, expanding on his thoughts, daydreaming of having more than one person he could really call his friend. He’d had Charlie, and only Charlie, for most of his life, which sounded pretty pathetic, he knew that. No other person he’d ever met seemed to “fit in” with the duo, except the only requirement for “fitting in” was being able to put up with Mac and Charlie’s wacky hijinks on a regular basis without realizing one could do much better than two numbnuts sharing a crappy bar. The nausea was extra loud, yelling, as he placed his palm on the bathroom door, his body realizing the mental toll returning to the bar would cause quicker than his mind did. He was still distracted when he pushed open the door, a little too hard, smacking right into a customer who was debatably too close to the bathrooms.

Mac heard a small thump sound as he came back to reality so he could get a look at the man that he accidentally bumped into. “Oh shit! Sorry dude! I wasn’t lookin—”

“Watch it.” Following a gruff voice, Mac met the blue eyes of a man with a piercing glare that made Mac feel very small, despite the fact that they were about the same height. The stranger looked like a normal guy, definitely handsome, but something about the dark look in his expression made Mac feel like he was suddenly by himself, cornered in a secluded alleyway, about to be murdered. He had nothing but his hands to defend himself, and yet he felt like he was restrained somehow, frozen. It was very uncomfortable. Coming to his senses, Mac was ready to open his mouth and apologize again, but the man had already started to walk off with a terrifying scowl.

Mac found himself very disoriented, not completely registering what happened. The interaction lasted mere seconds, but in the moment, it had felt so much longer. It sent him somewhere else and then ripped him back without giving him a chance to digest his surroundings. He didn’t know looks could be so powerful. He was going to have to learn how to pull that off, he thought. And with that single thought, Mac went from fearful and disoriented to fascinated. He daydreamed about scaring off threats with just a single glare. Man, wouldn’t that be so cool. And Charlie’s still at the bar. Shit.

Mac took a step forward, almost tripping over some dropped object. Surprised, he fell back and dropped his gaze to the floor. It was a small, average leather wallet. He bent over to pick it up, at the same time remembering the thump he heard after bumping into the intimidating man. Putting the pieces together in his mind, he realized the man must’ve dropped it when they collided. And now he would have to return it; it was his duty as co-owner of the bar. And he actually kind of wanted to talk to him again anyways, being interested in his special threat skills. 

Pushing through the crowd, which felt even thicker and harder to navigate now that Mac didn’t have a set location to go to, he managed to find his target at the opposite corner of the bar, by the back door. He was with some girl, which wasn’t too surprising, being Singles Night and all. She was flushed, pretty infatuated, but also very intoxicated by the looks of it. She twirled her blonde hair and giggled as blue-eyes flirted with her. Mac, watching this, was pretty stunned, wondering how he had seemingly switched personalities in minutes. The man gently took her by the hand and pulled her out the back door with grace, like he was going through the movements of a dance he planned beforehand. As the door clicked shut behind them, Mac returned focus to his original mission: the wallet. He was a bit afraid to exit the back door though, given that the two could very well be making out behind it, and he didn’t want to be the one to awkwardly interrupt that. Still, he had a wallet to return, a goal he stubbornly would not turn away from. 

Thinking he was prepared for whatever would be beyond, Mac managed to get himself outside.

It took a moment for Mac to find who he was looking for, having to turn his head to view a silent scene. He was stunned to find the wasted girl from before unconscious in the arms of someone Mac could only assume to be the blue-eyed man from before, partially obscured by the darkness of night. He had one arm snaked around her limp waist, his unoccupied hand holding up one of her arms. His mouth was on her wrist, where a red liquid, caught by the little light emitting from the bar, oozed out. The sight came together slowly into Mac’s mind, and when the whole picture finally sank in, he felt all the blood drain from his face. All the strength ran away in a phantom body that reflected Mac’s deep desire to leave, but his physical body was frozen in place. The wallet in his hand was released from his grip. The small thump of leather hitting pavement, a familiar sound, which seemed to echo much louder than it should’ve, caught the man’s—no, the  _ monster’s _ —attention. Of everything in the alley, the monster’s eyes, even sharper and brighter than before, were the clearest in Mac’s vision. It was the last thing he saw before everything went dark.


	2. Mac Gets Kidnapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac wakes up at Charlie's apartment. Dennis has the worst week of his life.

Mac felt incredibly warm when he woke up, and incredibly in pain. His head sharply ached, like someone was jabbing a dozen tiny needles into the back of his head. The rest of his senses flooded in at once as he came into somewhat full consciousness. As he opened his eyes, he found himself staring up at a stained ceiling. There was a strong smell of something like the garbage dump and old meat. He could hear the sound of someone rummaging through something, probably the trash, to some lovely stray cats’ orchestra. If he didn’t know any better, he would’ve guessed he’d woken up in an alleyway, like the one behind Paddy’s. Was he still there?

“You’re finally awake! Oh man, I almost thought you’d never wake up.” A familiar voice called from the other side of the room, and Mac turned his head to look at his friend Charlie, who was feasting on a can of cat food, half-naked. Of course, as all the clues had pointed to, he’d woken up at Charlie’s apartment. “Hungry?”

“If my only option is cat food than I think I’d rather starve,” Mac groaned.

“I mean, I could go pick something up for you. You’d have to lend me some cash, though.”

Mac wasn’t actually all that hungry, so he declined the offer. He was more focused on getting his brain functioning again, unsure of his own consciousness. “What happened?”

“I dunno. You must’ve been wasted or something last night, because I found you passed out behind Paddy’s,” Charlie shrugged as he tossed an empty can into the trash. “I had to close up by myself, which sucked.”

“Right,” Mac massaged his temples, which only helped his headache a tiny bit, “I remember that. How’d I get here, though?”

Charlie came over and sat at the edge of the couch. “I dragged you back here myself. I mean, I drove you here, but I dragged you into the car.” Mac could feel his friend’s eyes on him. “You okay, man?”

“Yeah, just, a little out of it,” Mac grumbled. “Something weird happened last night.”

“Oh shit!” Charlie exclaimed, making Mac spring up in his seat. “Were you jumped or somethin’?”

“I remember being scared, but,” Mac paused, his memory a little fuzzy, “I wasn’t attacked, I’m pretty sure.”

“ _You_ jumped someone?!” Charlie’s voice went up an octave.

“No! No, I didn’t jump anyone!” Mac stepped back to look at the full picture in his memory. It was a low-quality picture, a little worn and frayed at the edges, but the general idea was still there. “Okay, this is gonna sound weird, dude, but I need you to stick with me here.” Charlie only blinked in response. “I feel like I remember there was this creepy stranger, and I walked in on him doing... _something_ to an unconscious girl. It looked like he was eating her wrist or something, or sucking on it, like he was sucking her blood, or something.” It made a little more sense in his head, he thought. “I don’t know, that’s what I remember.”

“So, you saw a vampire?” Charlie said, nonchalant.

Mac felt like there was a joke he wasn’t understanding. “...What?”

“What?” Charlie seemed to understand it perfectly. “You saw a vampire, dude.”

“This isn’t funny.”

“I’m being serious!”

“Vampires aren’t real, Charlie!” Mac yelled, really feeling like the butt of the joke now. Charlie was even looking at Mac like Mac was a clown really in need of a career change.

“You’ve seriously never met a vampire?” Charlie said.

“Have _you_?!”

Charlie looked almost excited to share his experiences. “Yeah, dude, I’ve met tons of vampires! They used to come to my mom’s house all the time. I think she would give them some of her blood, or something. They never turned her, though. I think maybe she put her blood into syringes or something. I never understood what she got from this exchange, though.”

Mac was almost at a loss for words. “So, if I’m understanding this right, not only did your mom have sex with men dressed as Santa Claus on Christmas, she _also_ had sex with men dressed as fucking Dracula?!”

“My mom didn’t fuck them! She just—well—uh—” Charlie paused. “Oh.”

Mac didn’t respond, letting Charlie soak that in for a moment.

“They were real vampires though, dude! I swear!” Charlie began again. “They had fangs and everything!”

“ _Fake_ fangs, Charlie. You can buy them for like, a dollar.”

“They were real fangs! You can ask my mom, she’d tell you!”

“Charlie, Miss Kelly would probably tell me the Santa Clauses were real, too. She’s not exactly a reliable source.”

“Look, I don’t know what to tell you, man,” Charlie’s voice was closer to a normal tone. “I mean, now that I think of it, I haven’t actually seen any vampires for a long time. They all kind of, disappeared. But I _know_ they’re real, man. I wouldn’t just see them at my mom’s, okay? I’d see them on the streets when I’d look out my window at night. I’d see them in alleyways and shit. There was actually this one vampire my mom used to see a lot. I don’t remember his name, but sometimes my mom would drop me off at Uncle Jack’s and then I’d watch her get picked up in this really nice car. It was always the same car, some kinda yellow Lamb Or Genie or something, and I knew it was him because he had a really recognizable voice. He’d yell at my mom until she left with him and I wouldn’t see her until the next day.” Charlie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Then, one day, he stopped coming. I don’t think he even told my mom he was leaving or anything. He just disappeared and I never saw him again. That was about the same time I stopped seeing vampires.”

Mac was stunned silent for a couple of minutes. “...Wow, Charlie,” He replied softly at first. “What the _hell_ were you on as a kid?”

“It was all real, dude, I’m telling you!” Charlie was clearly desperate to get Mac to believe him, but Mac was an unbreakable wall.

“Real or not, honestly, whatever, man,” Mac sunk into the couch. “Now I’m just thinking that I want to go home and forget all of this happened. I wish I hadn’t even remembered it in the first place.”

Charlie was quiet for a thoughtful moment. “Do you need a ride?”

“Nah,” Mac waved a dismissive hand. “A walk’ll probably do me some good. It’ll help me clear my mind.” He sighed and rose from the imprint he left on the old couch, stretching out his limbs and hearing a satisfying _crack_ from his bones. 

Charlie begrudgingly let Mac leave the apartment, even though he winced as he walked, getting little painful reminders that his headache wasn’t going anywhere. The hallways of the apartment building were just as disgusting as Charlie’s apartment. Mac could hear the buzz of fluorescent lights above him, with the occasional flickering of dying lights. It made for an eerie atmosphere, to say the least, but Mac was well used to it by now. His residence wasn’t much better in comparison, either, though he at least knew how to clean up for himself. Charlie had suggested they move in together before, but every visit to Charlie’s reminded Mac how differently they lived their lives. As good of friends as they were, Mac didn’t think he could stand waking up every day to the sound of cat food cans snapping open. 

Still, a roommate wasn’t a bad idea. Mac just didn’t know the right person. Not yet, he optimistically thought to himself.

The fresh air outside was very welcome to Mac’s lungs, even if it didn’t actually smell all that better. It was as good as he could expect it to be in Philadelphia. The crisp chill that shook his bones reminded him that it was technically winter, even if the snow hadn’t blown in yet. He closed his eyes for a moment to soak it in, feeling peaceful for the first time since he’d woken up. Lost in the city’s breeze, Mac didn’t hear the shadow of a person come up beside him, and when he finally did realize, it was too late. 

And then he was out again.

* * *

Dennis Reynolds was having an awful week.

Actually, to tell the truth, Dennis Reynolds was having an awful life, but he was having an _especially_ awful week. He wondered if he jinxed it by wondering to himself if things could get any worse when his car broke down in the middle of a highway and he had to wait half a day for someone from triple-A to show up. He surely thought it couldn’t get any worse then. Without a car, and unable to convince his sister to let him borrow hers, he was very limited in places he could go, unless he wanted to take his chances with Uber or some shit. He found himself desperate and hungry enough to end up in some low-end bar in Philadelphia holding a Singles Night. He thought it couldn’t get any worse then, too. The single bit of luck he had was in getting some drunk woman engrossed in him, but drunk singles were easy targets, anyways. Then he got caught in the middle of a drink by some clumsy asswipe who almost knocked Dennis over in the bar. Surely it couldn’t get any worse then, he told himself.

Low and behold, Dennis Reynolds now found himself back at base beside his sister, who had dragged him over to “show him something”. That “something” was the man who had caught him at the bar the day before, tied up in thick cables.

“What the hell is this, Dee?” Dennis was quick to snap.

“What does it look like?” Dee had this stupid smug look on her face that Dennis really wanted to smack. “I did what your cowardly ass couldn’t and caught the guy who caught you in the act.” 

“ _Why?_ ”

“Why?” Dee crossed her arms, starting to look a little annoyed. “Because that’s what we’re supposed to do, Dennis! If someone catches us, we have to take them out.”

“We don’t _have_ to!”

“We don’t?” Dee gasped, dramatically. “Oh, well, gee whiz, Dennis! I guess we _could_ let everyone who finds out we’re vampires go free! We might as well just throw a fucking vampire parade if we want to be so public!” Dennis scowled at his sister’s overdramatic sarcasm. “Oh, but wait, then everyone would come and kill us, because everyone fucking hates vampires, Dennis! Honestly, I never thought that _you’d_ be the one to have an issue with this.”

“That’s because we’ve never had to actually kill someone before, Dee!” Dennis was hysteric. “Dad’s usually the one to deal with this shit!”

Dee pulled out a knife, unfeeling. “Well, _you’re_ the one who fucked up, so _you_ should be the one responsible for cleaning up the mess,” She said. “I already did the hard part for you. You just have to slit his throat. Look, he’s even unconscious. You won’t have to hear screams of agony, or watch him struggle painfully and die slowly because you missed his throat. It’s just one slice. One and done.”

“You’re one cold bitch, Dee,” Dennis said. Dee flashed him a smile in response. 

Reluctantly, Dennis shakily took the knife from his sister’s held out palm, then looked over at the unconscious victim in the chair. It took him back to the scene at the alleyway. More than anything else that happened in that moment, Dennis remembered the absolute look of horror in the guy’s face when Dennis looked up. No one had ever looked at him like that before. He’d had times where he’d exploded at someone and they’d looked at him with unease, but never with such absolute cold terror, like they were looking at a wild beast. Dennis couldn’t see this guy as any sort of threat. The guy looked so helpless, defenseless. He couldn’t actually pose any sort of threat to Dennis’s safety, could he?

“Hurry up, dude,” Dee complained. “The longer you wait the more likely he is to wake up. Then it’ll be even harder to go through with it.” 

Dennis shot her a glare. “Try to have a little compassion, Dee,” He growled. “You’re not the one who has to kill a guy.”

“I’m not the one who got _caught_ by a guy.”

“For fuck's sake, Dee, if you want this guy dead so bad, do it yourself!” Dennis shoved the knife in her direction, but it ended up looking more like he was about to stab her. Dee was unfazed by this turn of events.

“I don’t get why you have to be so difficult, Dennis.”

“I could say the same to you!” Dennis shot back. “Honestly, if you were me, I don’t think you’d be able to go through with this either. If you’d had _seen him_ —”

“If I had _seen him_ ?” Dee flared up again. “Dennis, I’ve seen plenty of _shit_ throughout my lifetime! I’ve seen plenty of guys and I can tell you _none_ of them could ever change the fact that we _have to do this._ ”

“We could just run away, move to a new city! Like anyone would believe someone nowadays if they said they saw an actual vampire!”

“We don’t _know_ that! There are still people alive who saw vampires, who _hunted_ vampires, and that’s why we can’t take that chance! It’s just like Dad says—”

“I don’t understand why we’re suddenly listening to Dad all of a sudden! When have we _ever_ listened to _Dad_ , of all people? When did _you_ —”

“ **_I don’t wanna die, Dennis!_ **” Dee cried out. Dennis then noticed her eyes had started to water during their argument. Dee didn’t cry often, excluding the fake cries she’d pull to get what she wanted. Dennis never knew how to react when she got genuinely upset and started to genuinely cry. He didn’t know how to react to crying, in general.

Luckily, he didn’t have to. A soft groaning sound quickly alerted them, and both of their focuses suddenly shifted to their prisoner, who was starting to stir.

“Oh, great,” Dee wiped at her eyes, covering up her moment of weakness. “Look what you did.” Dennis really didn’t think this was his fault, but he wasn’t about to argue.

The stranger lifted up his head, revealing himself to be fully conscious now, and he very quickly landed his gaze on Dennis. He straightened up immediately, going a bit pale in the face again. It wasn’t quite the same look of horror Dennis remembered, but it was enough to make Dennis feel like a caught criminal.

“You!” The guy’s voice was pretty loud and confident, considering the circumstances. “You’re the guy from the bar!” He glanced over at Dee. “And you’re…” He squinted at her. “I don’t know. Who are you?”

“My identity is none of your business,” Dee spit in a sour tone.

“I mean, I didn’t need to know your name. I was just wondering if we had met before or something. I guess not.” The man in the chair got a good look around for the first time, turning his head around as far as he could. “Hey, did you guys kidnap me?”

“You’re oddly calm about this,” Dennis raised his brows.

“Uh, yeah, I guess so,” The man tried to shrug, but he could barely move his shoulders. “I don’t know, I think I’m still a little out of it.”

Dennis and Dee exchanged a look. “Well, he’s either really brave or really stupid,” Dee said.

“I’m pretty badass, if I do say so myself.” The guy grinned. “I have these recordings I can show you of me doing these really badass cool stunts—”

“The latter. Definitely the latter.” Dennis started to speak in a hushed tone. “Which is exactly why he’s not a threat to us. We should let him go.”

“Are you kidding me?” Dee retaliated in the same hushed tone. “Dumbasses are the _most_ dangerous!”

“Hey, you guys aren’t vampires, right?” 

The two siblings shot back to face the man in the chair again. “ _What?_ ” Dennis hissed.

“I was talking to my buddy, and he was telling me all this shit about vampires, saying he used to see them as kids n’ whatever. I don’t really believe that, though, because I’m pretty sure I’ve never met a vampire? Unless you guys are, I guess. But I just don’t really believe in the supernatural,” The guy explained. “Oh, I do believe in God, but He doesn’t really...count. I mean, He created everything and all, and I have a hard time believing He’d make vampires and shit.”

Dee turned and glared furiously at her brother. “See?!” She whispered, harshly.

“I see that he doesn’t think vampires exist, which means he doesn’t actually think we’re vampires, which means we’re safe,” Dennis whispered back.

“Yeah, okay, but this buddy of his sure thinks vampires exist! A buddy of his that he’s already spread this information to, might I add!” Dee emphasized her words. “Information spreads quickly, Dennis!”

Dennis couldn’t really think of an argument against that, even though he still didn’t agree, but he wasn’t going to let Dee win either way. “We’re not killing him, Dee.”

Dee looked ready to burst, and Dennis felt fortunate to be the one holding the weapon. “Fine. Let’s just wait until Dad gets back, and then he can decide what to do with this guy. Is that fair enough for you?”

It wasn’t, really, but Dennis was relieved enough that he didn’t have to be the one to get his hands dirty. “Fine.”

With only a grunt in response, Dee stormed off to do whatever she does. Dennis never really cared. In all the excitement, he almost forgot he wasn’t alone.

“Hello?” Dennis looked over to the tied up man, who was calmly kicking his feet, looking straight at him. “Dude?” Dennis didn’t respond, turning away again, staring into the knife in his hands. “Uh, okay, cool. Listen, I don’t really know what’s going on, but if you’re planning on keeping me here, could you at least loosen these cords? They’re really digging into my skin.” He tried shuffling about a bit in the chair to no avail.

“I’m not dumb,” Dennis didn’t even look at him. “You’re just going to try to escape.”

“Okay, fair, fair,” The stranger replied. “I guess I was hoping getting kidnapped would be more badass, like it is in the movies. So far, it’s just kinda painful. And boring.”

Dennis was almost amused. “Boring?”

“Yeah, boring. There’s no action, no rivalry, no hot girls or boobs—no offense to blondie—it’s just not what I was expecting.” Dennis was quiet. “Really? Nothing?’

“What do you want from me?”

“Well, a name, for starters. I want to know who my enemy is here.”

Dennis thought about it. A first name couldn’t hurt. It’s not like he had any records that the guy could find. “Dennis.”

“Ooh, Dennis the Menace,” The guy grinned. “I dig that. I’m Mac.”

Dennis raised an eyebrow. “Is that short for something, or…?”

Mac’s smile immediately fell. “Nnnnnnope. Not short for anything.”

Dennis let out a quiet _hmph_ , not really caring enough to press further, as suspicious as that response was. He embraced the following silence. Mac seemed uncomfortable with it.

“Why’d you kidnap me?” Mac’s question dropped like a heavy weight, like the reality of the situation was finally starting to dawn on him. Dennis gave a silent reply because that’s all he could safely give. Mac appeared to droop a little, his face falling into an expression of faint distress. “Are you,” He gulped. “Are you gonna kill me?”

“I thought you were excited by the idea of being in an action-movie-like situation. Why are you getting unsettled now?” Dennis felt a painful stab of guilt.

“I’m not unsettled,” Mac was defensive, and tried to put on a tough face, which was easily seen through. Even if he wasn’t as clear as glass, Dennis liked to pride himself on being able to see through people. “I’m _not._ I just want to know what you’re planning to do with me.”

Dennis didn’t know whether to tell him the truth or not, or if it even mattered. He unwillingly thought of hours from now, or possibly less than that, when the life in front of him would be replaced by a cold, empty corpse with no sign of the life that previously inhabited it. Dennis had seen corpses before, but never of someone whose blood would be on Dennis’ hands. Blood that would stain his skin until the end of time, reminding him again how cursed he was. He’d only lived forty-something years, still in the range of a human, but the dread of the life before him made him feel much, much older.

Now that he thought of it, Mac looked around his age, and yet, he looked so much more full of life, so unburdened. He never had to worry about what Dennis worried about on a daily basis. He would’ve gone on about his life as normal if _Dennis_ hadn’t fucked it all up. 

In that moment, Dennis made a decision. A decision that would open up so many doors for him in the future. But that was the future, and the present was now.

“What are you doing?” Mac was unsurprisingly alarmed when Dennis darted by his side suddenly, the two much closer than they had been in their previous interactions, uncomfortably so. There had been several feet between them before, now they were barely apart. Dennis grabbed at the knotted cords, getting immediately frustrated by Dee’s abnormal knots. It looked as if Dee had never learned how to tie a proper knot. He would absolutely make fun of her for this later, as soon as the whole situation was behind them and Dee wasn’t mad at Dennis anymore for letting the threat go. He was confident that they’d all be over everything before they knew it. Things happened very quickly with the twins Dennis and Dee. They’d be all about something one day, then something else the next. It had been that way since they were kids. “Dennis?” A voice not at all like his sister’s pulled him back.

“I’m getting you out of here.” Dennis pulled out the knife as a last resort and began to cut.

Mac was livening up again. “Seriously?” Dennis could hear the excitement in his tone. “I don’t understand. Didn’t you kidnap me?”

“I can’t really explain,” Dennis was glaring intensely at what he was slicing as he spoke, “But I can tell you that I was not the one who kidnapped you. My bitch of a sister did, because she’s paranoid.” He froze for a second. “Though I guess she kind of has the right to be.”

“Blondie’s your sister?” Mac’s face scrunched. “I still don’t understand.”

Dennis dropped the knife with a soft _clang_ , satisfied with how far he’d gotten into the ropes, and began tearing at them with his bare hands. “Don’t even try. You’ll just hurt yourself.” Finally, the cords snapped apart and the whole mess untangled with it, falling to the floor.

Mac embraced his newfound freedom by staring at and moving his limbs like he just got them. He sighed, content, and turned to beam at his savior. Dennis did not know how to look in that moment, but he liked having eyes on him. It made him feel special. This feeling, he was sure, did not reflect well on his face, knowing he still looked as blank as he usually did.

Mac didn’t seem to mind his inability to express. “Thanks, dude!” 

Dennis felt warmed by the man’s sunny demeanor, but ice threatened its way back into Dennis’ heart. “You should get out of here.”

“Uh, yeah, where is ‘here’?” Mac looked around, for the first time really focusing on _where_ rather than _who_. “I don’t know where I am.”

“Here” was home for Dennis, or at least, the closest thing to it. “Here” was a shitty, abandoned lot in or by Philadelphia that was overtaken by bugs, rats, and whatever the hell else wanted somewhere to curl up and die. Dark, damp, and smelly, it was forgotten and left alone, ignored by the rest of society, ideally how a vampire would want to be in these times.

Dennis sighed. “If you walk far enough in any direction, you’ll most likely be back in the city. You can figure it out from there, I’m sure.”

“Okay, sure, thanks, man,” Mac was still looking around. “But, um, one more thing.” Dennis hummed a quiet response. “Are you actually a vampire?” 

Dennis opened his mouth to speak, but Mac wasn’t finished. 

“Because, I mean, if you are, that’s cool, man. I know I said that whole thing about not believing in vampires, and like, God and stuff, but, vampires are actually pretty cool,” Mac scratched the back of his neck, awkwardly. “You seem pretty cool, is what I’m getting at. You can come back to the bar anytime you want. We could even like, help you with vampire stuff. I won’t kill anyone, but I’m willing to do some badass shit. If you are a vampire, that is, but I still mean that part about you coming to the bar, regardless. Yeah.”

Dennis couldn’t help but chuckle a bit to himself, amused by Mac’s messy invitation. It left a lasting smile on his face. He caught Mac staring at him, looking absolutely delighted. “...What?” He said, a little too cold.

Mac was taken aback by his tone. “I hadn’t seen you smile before now. I, uh, thought you were this dark, intimidating figure back at the bar. It’s...nice, to see this other side of you.”

Dennis didn’t understand what the big deal was, squinting at Mac like he was an alien from another planet. Ironic.

“Cool, cool cool, I’m gonna leave now,” Mac said. “Um, I hope to see you at the bar? So I guess, see you later, maybe, man.” He did a weird little point in Dennis’ direction, turned on his heel, and left the lot. Dennis watched him leave, letting a small smile creep back onto his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dennis no don't kidnap me ur so sexy ahah


	3. Dennis Kills A Rat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie has a surprise encounter. Dennis shows up at the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wassup fellas  
> i spent the last month planning out what i was gonna do with this story and listening to Royal Blood bc it felt oddly fitting. crossin my fingers that i'll be actually writing more now  
> p.s. if you wanna talk to me about its always sunny or macdennis or maybe jus, see what else i'm into, feel free to check out my social media. im on tumblr and instagram @catseronay. you can shoot me a message anytime

Snow was gracefully sweeping onto the dark streets of Philadelphia, marking the first snow of the winter season. It hardly counted, though, as the snow falling from the sky was more like mush―wet, sticky mush that barely stuck to the ground. It sure stuck to the windshield of Charlie’s car, though, messing with his visibility as he took his daily drive to Paddy’s. It wasn’t the only thing that would end up delaying Charlie from getting to work. He slammed his foot on the brake.

The woman outside on the sidewalk that had caught Charlie’s attention, was at first, very stunned after hearing the ear-splitting screech of a car forced to pull to a sudden halt, but lost all ability to be surprised after seeing the man in the driver’s seat. “Charlie, what the hell?”

“Heyy, Waitress! Good morning!” Charlie had a sheepish grin on his face.

The Waitress, as she’s referred to as because she is...a waitress, was bundled up from head to toe, her face barely apparent behind a hat, scarf, and the blonde hair that kept blowing in her face. Charlie, though, could’ve probably recognized her in a costume. She crossed her arms, either cold or frustrated by the sudden disruption. “What do you want, Charlie?”

“Are you cold? I could give you a ride,” Charlie offered.

“I’m fine.” The Waitress shivered, despite herself.

“Are you sure? I can crank the heat in this baby.” Charlie smacked the dashboard of the car.

The Waitress held her breath, then sighed, her exhaled breath coming out as a visible cloud. She looked around, as if there would be a better option right beside her. “Fuck it. It’s fucking freezing out here.” Charlie unlocked the door and the Waitress climbed in. Snow that had stuck to the Waitress before was shaken off, dampening the interior of the car, but Charlie didn’t mind. As soon as she was settled, with her seatbelt clicked and the heater cranked, Charlie started to drive. She didn’t bother telling him directions; she knew he already knew the way to her workplace. He had been there many, many times before just to see her.

“So,” Charlie started, “I haven’t seen you in a bit. How have you been?”

The Waitress didn’t offer a reply.

Charlie was forced to continue the conversation for her. “I’ve been so caught up with work lately, I haven’t had the chance to see you. The bar’s been packed.” 

“Right. Singles Night.” The Waitress coughed out like the words were hot coffee that had burned her tongue.

“Oh, you remembered!” Charlie didn’t seem to notice her bitterness. “I wasn’t sure if you would remember. I told you a week ago, and all.”

“Yeah, I remembered, Charlie,” The Waitress spat. “I was there.”

“What? Seriously?” Charlie was ecstatic to hear this. “I didn’t see you. The bar was so crowded, and I was so busy tending the bar,” He said as if tending the bar made him the coolest, most attractive guy around. “Did you have fun?”

“No, I had an awful time. Do you wanna hear why I had an awful time, Charlie?” The Waitress spoke as if he should’ve known already, but it went completely over Charlie’s head. “I got assaulted at your stupid bar.”

Charlie’s head whipped around. “What?” His voice hit a record volume, and the Waitress had to remind him to keep his eyes on the road. “Were you jumped? What happened?”

“I don’t know! It’s all pretty foggy, but I know whatever happened that night wouldn’t have if your bar had some actual fucking security.”

Charlie was quiet for a moment. “Did you run into the vampire?”

“The what?” The Waitress monotonically replied.

“The vampire!” Charlie clarified. “There was a vampire at the bar. Mac ran into him and―oh shit! You must’ve been the girl he was sucking on!” While Charlie grew increasingly excited by this revelation, the Waitress grew increasingly annoyed.

“What the hell are you talking about?” The Waitress looked at him with disbelief, and the heat from the car was starting to make her sweat in her coat. “I can’t believe this. I was assaulted at  _ your  _ bar and you’re making it into a big joke―one of your wild illusions to avoid taking fault.”

“I’m being serious! There was seriously a vampire at our bar! Why don’t you believe me?”

“Because you sound like you’ve lost your mind, Charlie! It’s sure not the first time you’ve jumped to some outrageous, impossible conclusion. You thought one of my regulars was a witch because she had a wart on her face.”

“That’s not true!” Charlie jumped to defend himself. “She also had a staff!”

“That was a cane, Charlie! She was an old woman who needed a cane! Even if she had been a witch, throwing all sanity out the window, she was a paying customer, and you had no right to throw water in her face because you ‘thought she would melt.’” The Waitress sighed and ran her hands down her face, exasperated. “God, why do I even try to reason with you?”

The car fell silent, and the rest of the ride following was mostly silent. Charlie tried to change the subject, but the Waitress wouldn’t respond to anything he had to say. It didn’t stop Charlie from continually trying to start a new conversation, though, to no avail. Eventually, the car pulled up to the café, and the Waitress sighed with relief, feeling as if she’d aged a few years just during the ride. She didn’t even say goodbye, slamming the car door behind her and leaving Charlie in a car that was getting a little bit too hot. He clicked off the heater with a disappointed sigh, rolling down his window to allow some of the winter breeze to blow in.

* * *

Mac had been drinking on a barstool, alone, even though the bar was technically open. Singles Night had brought in some customers, but still, no one else wanted to drink so early in the day. Often keeping his eye on the windows, he expected to see the familiar face of his kidnapper, who was also, technically, his savior. He didn’t really expect Dennis to show up only a few days after their last interaction, but still, he couldn’t help himself. The guy was a fascination to Mac, who was split between thinking Dennis had been an actual vampire and thinking Dennis was just some weirdo with a weird thing for girls’ wrists. Either way, Mac was really excited to see him again. When Charlie finally appeared in the windows of Paddy’s Pub, Mac almost thought it was Dennis.

“Hey, dude, you’re late,” Mac mentioned casually as the door creaked open. Being late wasn’t all that bad most of the time, because they didn’t usually have any customers. Mac and Charlie both had been late to work about an equal handful amount of times. “What’s ha―”

“What the hell, Mac?!” Charlie shrieked, not even a few feet from the door. 

“What?”

“Why didn’t you tell me it was the Waitress?”

Mac blinked. “What was the Waitress?”

“The girl! The girl from Singles Night!” Charlie was flailing his arms around as if he were doing charades. “The one who got her blood sucked!”

It took a second for this revelation to register in Mac’s head. “ _ Oh! _ ” He sat up straight. “That was her? Seriously?” 

“Yeah, it was! And she’s  _ pissed  _ at me for it!” Charlie sighed, turning away for a moment. He turned back to say, “You know, this is all your fault. You should’ve helped her.”

Mac shot, “I blacked out, dude!”

Charlie shot back, “You blacked out because you’re a coward!”

“I am  _ not  _ a coward dude!” Mac stood up from his stool and pointed a finger at Charlie. “Don’t you dare call me a coward! I got away from―”

The argument was interrupted by a heavy  _ THUNK  _ as the front door swung open and slammed against the wall with great force. Both of them reared their heads around. A cold draft reached them swiftly, making them both shiver as they looked upon the forceful entity that was standing in the doorway. In a long, black coat, a striking contrast to the white wonderland that lain behind the door, dotted with snowflakes melting with the heat from the bar, Dennis met Mac’s stare almost immediately―cold, blue eyes burning into Mac’s soul. Mac almost couldn’t tear away from the eye contact. He managed it somehow, but only to inspect Dennis more closely. It was then Mac noticed that despite his strong entrance, Dennis looked very tired, and weak. He noted how pale Dennis was, how he slumped over a bit, clinging to the door like he needed it for stability. His facial expression showed little sign of any weakness, however, apart from the bags under his eyes.

“I need your…” Dennis looked hesitant, but he didn’t look away from Mac for a second. “I need your assistance.”

Mac could see Charlie’s bewildered stare without even looking in Charlie’s direction. He never did tell Charlie what happened to him after leaving his apartment, despite Charlie’s attempt at interrogation after Mac wouldn’t answer his texts, which Mac responded to by lying, saying his phone had died. There wasn’t really a reason to keep it a secret; Mac just liked the idea of keeping Charlie uninvolved, wanting to keep his wild card antics out of his adventure. Plus, he knew Charlie would rub it in his face if it turned out that Dennis was actually a vampire, and that was an annoyance Mac would rather keep out of his life.

Taking a step forward carefully, Mac started, “Are you okay, dude? You kinda look like you’re dying.”

Dennis narrowed his gaze. “I would prefer to talk alone.” He glanced at Charlie, who was in a frozen state of confusion.

Happy to oblige, Mac turned and urged Charlie to go clean the bathrooms “or something”. Charlie, alive again, looked like he wanted to protest for a moment, but it washed away once it sunk in that this was a serious situation. He silently nodded, stole one last look at the stranger in the doorway, and went off. 

Once his co-owner had disappeared, Mac made his way behind the bar. “Here, dude, sit down,” He gestured towards the stools. “Do you want some water, or a beer, or something?”

The front door quietly closed behind him as Dennis, sliding in a seat and hunching over the bar, shook his head.

Mac crossed his arms, leaning over the bar. “What’s up, then?”

Dennis opened his mouth, but only the resounding sound of wind howling outside was heard.

Lightly shivering, Mac hissed, “Fuck, it’s cold. I’m cranking up the heat.” The visitor was grateful for a diversion, but Mac was quick about his roundabout around the bar to turn up the heat. “Sorry about this dude.”

The visitor appeared to close in on himself even more. “It’s fine,” He mumbled.

“It’s shaping up to be a real shitty winter season,” Mac cracked open a drink for himself, which Dennis didn’t even question.

“Yeah, I know,” Dennis grumbled.

Mac scratched the back of his neck, “So, what’s up?”

Dennis sighed, grabbing a quick glance at the fogging windows and the snow flying around outside. “To tell you the truth, Mac…” He trailed off, stalling the inevitable. 

Mac could feel the discomfort of his new friend; it shed from him like steam from melting ice. His discomfort was made all the more clear from the way he clung to himself and avoided Mac’s gaze like it would kill him. It was the most vulnerable Mac had seen him yet, and it surprised him. It was like hearing a howl in the distance and expecting a wolf only to find a stray dog, scared and helpless. Mac would try to reach out, extending a hand towards the shivering dog, cornered in the streets. At first, it would jump back and almost make run for it, but after a thoughtful moment...

“I’m a vampire,” Dennis said.

There was a short pause. “Oh,” Mac said, simply, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Dennis looked to Mac for the first time in a while, looking a little confused. “What do you mean ‘okay?’ I thought you didn’t believe in this sort of shit.”

“I don’t,” Mac shrugged, “But, I don’t think I have a choice but to believe you right now. You’re clearly in some type of serious trouble, so there’s no time for me to sit around and question your genuineness right now, dude. And I feel I owe you one for setting me free.”

Dennis shifted, sitting up a little more straight, eyes widened. He still looked partly confused, but he gave Mac a light nod. “Okay.”

“So, what do you need, then, Vamps?”

“Don’t,” Dennis growled. “Look, I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to ask for your help. Asking for help from a human is not an ideal situation for me, or any vampire.”

Mac tapped a finger melodically against his beer bottle, looking a little distracted. “Why’s that?”

Dennis ignored the question. “But I have found myself in a rather desperate situation, and I would rather not try human-hunting again. It didn’t go well last time.”

Mac shrugged.

“Ideally, I would have a stash of animal― _ non-human _ ―blood saved up during the winter season, but that’s not the case this year.”

“Do all vampires talk like this? You sound very uh, stereotypical. Dracula-like.” Mac had an entertained glint in his eye. “Talking about the  _ foul _ humankind and blood and ‘hunting.’” He chuckled.

“The _ point  _ is,” He glared, “I need blood.”

Mac blinked. “ _ Oh _ ,” Mac took a step back carefully. “Ohhh no. Sorry, dude, I’m not gay.”

Dennis blinked back. “Excuse me?”

“Yeahh,” Mac leaned against the back wall. “Sorry, but I’m not into that whole neck-biting thing. Not if it’s from a guy.”

Dennis was caught way off guard. “I wasn’t asking for  _ your  _ blood!” He stood up from the stool, slamming his hands against the bar. “And it’s  _ not  _ a sexual thing, dumbass! I do this to survive! Vampires don’t even usually suck from the neck. It’s inconvenient.” He crossed his arms.

“Oh,” Mac stood up straight again, “Then, where were you expecting me to get blood?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t gonna ask, really.” He said.

After a silent minute, Mac came up with an idea, snapping his fingers to show it. “Of course! You’re in luck, my good vampire friend.”

“I would really appreciate it if you didn’t keep bringing up the fact that I’m a vampire.”

“But it’s badass!”

“It’s not.” Dennis scowled.

“ _ Anyways _ , as it turns out, Paddy’s Pub has a real big rat problem. Our basement is  _ filled  _ with rats!”

“You sound proud of that,” Dennis narrowed his eyes.

“Well, it’ll help you out, won’t it?” Mac was ecstatic, running from behind the bar to the center of the room. “Come on! Come to our rat basement!”

Dennis groaned, putting his head in his hands, questioning his current life choices while Mac was already halfway down the basement steps. The vampire followed after a few seconds of self-reflection. 

The basement was dark, damp, cold, and everything Dennis expected it to be. It had a strong odor that couldn’t be specified, a mix of different, concerning scents. Dennis felt fortunate to be immortal, though he looked at his companion with a little concern. Mac assured him it was safe, as Charlie was very often down here to do janitorial duties. That was not at all reassuring, but, whatever, Dennis couldn't care less. Sure enough, however, besides an echoing dripping sound of unknown origin, there were audible squeaking noises and the tiny patting sounds of tiny feet on the ground.

“Charlie’s usually the rat-killer around here, so I’m not entirely sure how to catch a rat. I think Charlie might have some weird connection with them. They’re drawn to him, like he’s some kinda Disney rat princess.” Mac went on, disappearing into the barely-lit room, while Dennis idly wandered and looked about the room. Mac reappeared in front of Dennis a moment later. “Anyways, here.” He handed Dennis a baseball bat, covered in rusty nails. “It’s Charlie’s rat stick. It might be useful to us.”

“What? Dude, I don’t need a ‘rat stick.’ I know how to hunt a rat.”

“You  _ do _ ?” Mac was starry-eyed.

Dennis smiled slightly, enjoying the feeling of superiority. “Watch this, Mac.”

The hunter slid past his audience, stretching out his arms and cracking his knuckles and moving his head in slow circles to crack his neck as well, putting himself on display. He crouched down to the ground slowly, like a runner getting ready to start a race, steadying himself with a palm to the dirty, dirty floor. His hand would have to be thoroughly washed later, he decided. In absolute silence, the guys were waiting, anticipating, listening for the softest of sounds. A minute passed. 

Then, a scurrying shadow shot by, tried to make its escape, but Dennis had waited long enough to be unwilling to miss a single chance. Lunging forward, Dennis grabbed the rat, caging it between his hand and the floor. It struggled, but Dennis was able to hold. He held up a knife from the pockets of his jacket, glimmering, emphasized in such a dark room. Mac’s eyes widened, feeling surprised to see the same knife again so soon. Too soon, maybe. The following swipe back down could barely register. Mac, swearing he blinked and missed it, could only tell it happened by the appearance of red liquid coming from the carcass that dampened the floor. 

Mac, who thought he would be unfazed or even impressed, felt a little uncomfortable instead. Maybe it was the lack of hesitation shown by Dennis, or maybe it was how normal he made it seem. He shivered as he looked down upon the rat corpse. Either way, it made his blood run cold. Meanwhile, Dennis yanked his knife back, and stared at it for a bit. Mac didn’t completely understand why until Dennis stuck his tongue out and licked the blood off the knife, like how someone would clean jam off a knife after making a PB&J. Once the weapon was so clean that there was no evidence of how it was just used, he reeled his head back to look at Mac. Even in the darkness, Dennis’s eyes were bright. Brighter than they had been before.

And Mac, staring frozen at Dennis, saw absolutely nothing human in them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take him rat-killing on the first date


End file.
